A beautiful piece about passing through the desert in awakening from the Glastonbury Sessions 2018.
Everyone that I have spoken to that has had any kind of awakening, their life has gone completely dry like a desert. Our separate sense tendency is to go and fix it. Most don't like not to fix it, the need to fix it, until you come to a point where there's no fixing what no longer has any reality. And so everything goes dry. Meaningless, where everything you touch or taste or look is a desert.
You're in that place where your old life can no longer fulfill you. It's like a desert and yet there are fingers that are still trying to make something work. You'll find you can't make anything work. You get a flicker of using an old way and you go towards it, you know it's going to fail because you've been through enough. You've been through enough pain. You've been through enough failure. You've been through enough. You have to be through enough before you're ready for the immensity of what you deeply are.
You get a flicker and then you're back in the Nothing, but the Nothing is more than just nothing. So you're letting go of this idea that your current life can fulfill you, that your surface life is all that is, but you are Life itself. And so you'll seem to get smaller and you don't want to get smaller. You'll seem that you're disappearing and you don't want to disappear attached to the body-mind idea. But then you look inside and there's nothing there either and so it's all shrinking. But then you get this idea that smaller outside is good. Smaller inside is good too. You only entered the small like an eye of the needle.
So a tiny little drop of something which is nothing that pulls you to look in, stay with it. I call it: 'Knocking at the door, the interior door.' You just stay with the knowing of the deeper calling within, not to survive. You just stay there. As you stay there, more than likely, more and more of the old life collapses like some old building. Now the collapse is okay with you. You don't need to fix it.
The moment you don't need to fix it, you're in the same frequency and manner as your Being and the new sprouts and moves. The moment you don't need to turn to the past to know the present, the moment you don't need to have more of something special for you that doesn't actually exist, the more that you're more absolutely present, then the presence of you awakens within this world.
Often we can have such a big life and then, let's say, there is awakening and the big life starts to collapse. In my case, it just collapsed completely. But then whatever this is realised what IT IS. What did I do on this level? Nothing. Never had done nothing in my life. I was always doing something. And as I did nothing, I got a job cleaning. I was a West End designer, artist, and now I'm taking a job cleaning at 4 in the morning!
The moment I picked that mop up something new began to open in my heart. It might sound crazy to you. To me this is how it happened. I followed my Being and the opportunities that came I fulfilled my longing and belonging to my Being. If it said, 'Take a mop." I took a mop. If it said, 'Clean windows.' I cleaned windows. If it said, 'Clean toilets.' I cleaned toilets. This is the way I moved and the fulfilment of what I realised was now embodying. More and more would it embody.
The desert was okay. There was still this desert hanging around but I was realising from my deeper knowing what the desert is. It's the dissolving of the familiar as I awake to what I deeply am. I just kept moving with that. My Being was coming because all that I was belonging to is my Being. That's what happens.
Your life is for your Being, not for you as someone. Your life is not for your family. Your life is for your Being and only for your Being can you love your whole family. Only for your Being can you love a whole of humanity. Your breath is for your Being. Your hands are for your Being. Then you discover, you are that Being slowly slowly, sometimes with leaps, and then complete nothing. Your Being is not going to save you. There's nothing for your Being to save. Your Being will just fill you up as you match what your Being is. Your Being has no need of anything to be what IT IS. You're reforming a new sense of self. Totally new. Just don't turn back. Turn in.
- B, Glastonbury August 2018